WIDNES 41 – VALE OF LUNE 52

RFU PLAY OFF 

The Alies assembled as the sun was inching its way above the yard arm, but they were minus The Major, who was on an overseas mission, having being spirited away in the dead of night to Manchester Airport.

But ever the professional he issued the Grand Cru with a list of instructions before his departure which thoroughly confused Platelayer, who decided he would opt for the first item on the list, strimming. This choice suited the Cru, because going fifteen rounds with the strimmer was not a task they readily volunteered for. So after finding the two stroke mixture, plus the aforementioned strimmer and a set or ear protectors, the Platelayer buzzed away happily in his own world.

On Friday a benign Red Baron flew in. He quickly fettled up the push mowers, fired up the chainsaw, mixed a gallon of two stroke, sorted out a water problem, helped Heskey with his IT homework, pinned up the route maps for Widnes, all this before coffee time!

During the week there had been a health scare surrounding Gilly, but he was led across the car park by Cowps, arriving in time for roll call and in good order on Saturday morning. The Plumber, looking years younger having shaved off his moustache, prodded Enty along, who was rolling his shoulders about the selected side; in fact we were well down the M6 before the names of his mates, Gordon and Alistair cropped up.

Shagpile supplied a chunky red number, all blackberry and plums with a hint of bonfires, from his well stocked cellar. It was only when he was studying the label that he discovered a mistake had been made. “Bloody hell,” he sputtered, “I’ve picked the wrong bottle. This is my best stuff, not the cheepo wine that the Oil Tycoon brought me.” Very tasty!

The Fitter was picked up at “The Boot and Shoe,” struggling aboard with a carrier bag full of sensible provisions. At the same bus stop was Barry, a relative newcomer to the Alies world, but goodness me, he fits in perfectly, and so he should, being a long standing friend of the Solicitor.

On the way to Widnes there was a gentle zephyr of conversation wafting up and down the coach. Sutty and the Fitter moved to the front as junction six on the M62 approached, perhaps they remembered the last visit to Widnes when the correct turning was missed. No problems this time around, but the coach had to reverse into the car park at Heath Road. Jamie’s skill with the wheel not only earned him a standing ovation from everyone aboard, but the applause also broke the dam of tension that had been building, and ensued we all left the coach wreathed in smiles.

The mood continued for the Alies when they were welcomed into the clubhouse by President Mark, an enthusiastic bar staff and a range of well kept guest beers. Time flew by in a most convivial atmosphere considering the importance of the fixture, and unlike the build up to the Tyldesley game everyone appeared relaxed, with the exception of the Solicitor.

The Widnes programme proved to be a splendid read, even the Vale’s web sit got a mention. Widnes are celebrating fifty years at Heath Road and the programme was packed full of little gems, in particular the fifty one songs chosen by members, one for each year from 1959 through to 2009. For 1971 “Ernie by Benny Hill was selected, the Nolan Sister’s hit, “I’m In The Mood for Dancing” was chosen for 1981, but what of 1998, “After The Goldrush” by Neil Young; would Emma be persuaded for another performance? Widnes RUFC is holding its breath!

Out on a superb playing surface there was no time to stand and stare after Andy McIntosh’s early try had set the jamboree in motion. Play switched kaleidoscopically back and forth, spare a thought for the scoreboard operators who had to cope with a scoring sequence that followed its own bizarre progression; 7-0, 7-7, 7-14, 14-14, 14-17, 17-17, 24-17, 24-24, and then it was half time, phew!

There was no let up in the second half as both sides continued to move the ball around without a care in the world. The scatter gun continued to pepper the scoreboard throughout the second forty; 24-31, 29-31, 29-38, 36-38, 36-45, 36-52, 41-52, until referee Andrew Daniels called a halt to a mercurial contest that was a credit to all who participated in it.

Neale Foster converted all his side’s seven tries, in addition to kicking a penalty goal. Neil Hull scored the first try followed by, Andy Garnett, Neil Bennett, Alistair Richards, Ian Bird, Alex Cowey and finally Dave Halliwell. There was a downside to the victory which secured promotion because Gavin Barton dislocated his knee cap, one week after making his fiftieth appearance.

On a special day Andy Garnett was named man of the match and everyone made it back to the Vale to honour the memory of mum Sue, on the occasion of the Sue Garnett Memorial game.

Vale of Lune: N Foster; A Richards, N Hull, I Bird, J Hodder; N Bennetts (Capt), O Hughes (Rep J Bleasdale 85); A Cowey, G Barton (Rep P Watson 52), D Halliwell; L Acton (Rep D Perry 82), L Farnworth; A Garnett (Rep J Ferguson 84), D Lin, M Fowler.

VALE OF LUNE 6  – TYLDESLEY 14

NORTH LANCASHIRE/CUMBRIA

The Major was ecstatic during the week. At long last the Grand Cru were able to start mowing operations. How the team had waited for the first cut, but of course the first cut is not the deepest-Julius Caesar.

So the Joiner and the Press Secretary set about connecting up the cutters prior to the arrival of the Major, but it was not easy. The Press Secretary was making heavy weather of connecting the drive shaft having forgotten that it could be extended. All the heaving and sweating ended with the arrival of the Fitter who quickly coupled everything up.

At the turn of the key “Tommy the Red Tractor” burst into life just as the Major swept into the car park. Clutching a sheaf of documents containing secret details of highly confidential prices for seed and fertilizer, luckily the press corps had not surrounded his car as he jumped out because the entire world would have read of his plans.

Once skewered into the unforgiving cast iron tractor seat, he was off. After a few passes he called into the pits to let the Fitter adjust the height of the cutters. Once completed he shot out of the pit lane, with a grin from ear to ear, for a couple of hours of therapeutic pattern making.

The following day yet more pleasures were in store for the Chairman of Ground. Platelayer Les, the latest recruit to the team, made an instant impact, heaving full bins into the skip like Tamara Press in her pomp. Factotum stamped everything down in a piece of choreography that left the Major spellbound.

Unfortunately the “Waste Disposal Badge-First Class” might soon become a collector’s item because new four wheeled, top opening containers might be arriving soon. 

All the hard had been worth it, the pitch and surroundings were immaculate. Heskey had taken responsibility for tidying up the veranda after counting ninety three cigarette ends in the smoking den; some callous soul said they were mostly his. The club flag billowed out after Gilly had given Fred a lesson in the noble art of flag raising, everything was set for a day of squeaky bum proportions.
The Alies arrived on time for this crunch game; a table had been reserved for the pre match lunch. Only the Plumber was late on parade, muttering something about Fog on the Tyne, or was it the traffic lights on the quay.

It was a tight fit around the table, the food was superb, a choice of the acclaimed fish pie or lamb chops; and no before you ask the Major did not did not have a bit of both. Enty insisted on buying the last round before kick off which made it a four pinter, but the Theakston’s was going down well, always a bad sign.

As was to be expected Tyldesley turned out in force, including President Terry, Secretary, Howard, who incidentally propped against the Vale last season, and Sponsorship Officer, Colin, a trio who had entertained the Alies so well when they arrived with the Vikings at the beginning of September.

The President of Lancashire, Ken Andrews, and his charming wife, Anne, also joined the diners in a packed clubhouse. Considering the importance of the occasion the atmosphere was tension free, or appeared to be, apart from the Solicitor who was observed hopping up and down as kick off approached.

Thankfully the Plumber’s son had been spirited away to play for the “B” team so it was pretty quiet on the sun kissed East Terrace. Of course some advice was offered to the referee early doors, but because David Lodge is one of the best around the comments pretty soon died down.

Shagpile dished out the “King Teddies,” blazers were peeled off, but Enty became worried that his comb might slip from his pocket and this vital piece of equipment could be trampled underfoot. His concerns produced much hilarity, especially from Gilly, who had long since dispensed with such tonsorial aids.

Out on the Major’s carefully prepared paddock, with Cabbage Whites flittering around, Tyldesley clinched the championship of North Lancashire/Cumbria after tracking the Vale of Lune all season, with the type of performance that must have pleased their coaches.

They had an effective game plan which they not only stuck to, but they clinically accepted their two scoring opportunities with the minimum of fuss in what was essentially a tight game. Centre Matt Dickinson scored and converted both Tyldesley’s tries in the first half.

For the Vale Neale Foster kicked two penalties, one in each half to keep his side in touch. The Vale never gave up trying to break through a well organised defence, but they gave the Tyldesley line a severe pummelling in the closing stages in a vain attempt to secure the league title.

So Tyldesley will make the trip to Twickers with the North Lancashire/Cumbria pennant packed proudly in their knapsack, while the Vale have to pick themselves up, dust themselves down and travel to Widnes for yet another “Cup Final.”

As was to be expected the Alies were a little subdued and reflective after the game but after having tucked into a sea food buffet kindly provided by Shagpile and The Major they began to lighten up. “Jane McDonald” made an appearance and with newly elected honorary Alietress, Lynne, joining the Alies, it did not take long before everyone went off on some hilarious flights of fancy as normal service was resumed.

Tyldesley, who are sponsored by Warburtons, “Bakers Born and Bred,” were roundly toasted as they boarded the coach. The Vale did not have a cob on because come thick or thin they will not be in a position to stick at Widnes, it will be very much a case of twist or bust.

Having had their title stollen by Tyldesley they cannot afford any more bloomers, kneads must at Heath Road. Will there be crumpets for tea? Or stale slices and just bread crumbs. What a pitta! Where will your dough be going?

Vale of Lune: N Foster; J Curran (Rep J Hodder 74), C Orrick, I Bird, A Richards; N Bennetts (Capt.), O Hughes: S Foy (Rep D Halliwell 40), G Barton, A Cowey; L Farnworth, D Perry (Rep L Acton 56); J Clarkson, D Lin, M Fowler.

Match Sponsors: Friends of the Vale

Match Ball Sponsors: Border Asset Management

Lifting Equipment: Designed and manufactured by Doris.

VALE OF LUNE 25 – BLACKBURN 15

LANCASHIRE TROPHY SEMI FINAL

This semi final tie made might not have produced the usual cup tie eggcitement, but the Alies, with their little white tails were bobbing up and down with expectation because the Vale had qualified for the final of the Lancashire Trophy. 

The victory was no yolk, it had been a Bounty Bar ahead of the Tyldesley game, and still had crack their way into their creamy centres without becoming too shell shocked.

It was a good turn out from the Alies for the pre match lunch, the round table included a rare appearance from Enty, but most of the diners had half an eye on Liverpool’s game against Blackburn. On a warm afternoon there was on last opportunity for a hip flask to circulate accompanied by one of Elwyn’s blackcurrant and liquorice sweets at half time.

The Plumber and son were offering helpful advice to the referee, as was the Major. Gilly was more circumspect, but most of the time he busy bellowing at the forwards to get in, and for everyone, bar Danny Lin, to start tackling round the legs!

As usual it was difficult to concentrate too much on the game because the Oil Tycoon was being asked by Shagpile if he had a bar code reader, which then sent them off another tangential flight.

With it being a holiday weekend the post match debate was curtailed but there was enough time to bestow on Winny’s wife, Lynne, the title of “Aliecalesse.”

James Curran sent the Easter Bonnets flying into the air with a try after seven minutes followed five minute later with a penalty goal from Neale Foster. Neale kicked a second penalty on the half hour mark to give the Vale a 11-3 lead but shortly after Blackburn started to rain on their parade with a converted try. James Hodder touched down for a try just before the break converted by Neale.

With Collette flashing her fetlocks on the touchline, Alistair Richards showed another clean pair of heels to anyone who might have been watching to begin a move that ended with Neale racing behind the posts for a try which he converted in the forty sixth minute.

Although Blackburn answered with a try but the Vale played with enough conviction, without becoming too scrambled in the process, to move into the finals and to begin preparing their omelettes for the Tyldesley game.

Vale of Lune: J Hodder; J Curran, I Bird, C Orrick, A Richards; N Foster, J Bleasdale; A Cowey, G Barton, T Smith; L Acton, L Farnworth (Capt); S Wallbank, D Lin, J Clarkson. Replacements: D Halliwell, J Ferguson, J Hesketh, O Hughes, T Carter, D Perry.

OLDHAM 8 – VALE OF LUNE 34

NORTH LANCASHIRE/CUMBRIA

The Major studied the route map with his usual military precision; after all he had moved huge convoys under the very eyes of Ivan and had never been detected, so a trip to Oldham presented few problems.

So after much head scratching, unrolling of maps and tinkering with Stuart’s sat-nav it was decided to go via the M65 and M65. All this was too much for Enty as nostalgia began to engulf him as signs for Bury began to appear. It might have been the red wine as he peered through the “Steamy Window” that caused him to recall the days spent romantically roaming the countryside of “River Deep and Mountain High.”

But Shagpile brought everyone down to earth with his exhortations to buy a horse in the Grand National sweep he was organising. He was collecting money with “Open Arms,” and then reminding all the punters that should they pick the winner then they had “Better Be Good To Me!” This cut no ice with the eventual winner, the Oil Tycoon, who said he did not require the services of this “Private Dancer” so early in the afternoon, but rather worryingly, later perhaps! “In Your Wildest Dreams” snorted Shagpile, although they were spotted dining together in “the Wheatsheaf.”

But the Vale of Lune coach was not exactly throbbing on the way to Oldham, it was a big occasion and it was important but it was very much a case of “I’m Ready.” The kitty master was also well prepared having said all season that he would be in charge for the last away game of the season. How the Solicitor’s eyes lit up when he discovered that all the beer on sale was smooth flow, but for the Major it was a case of “take my heart and make it strong” as he forced down the mixture.

Two tries from Ian Bird in the opening ten minutes suggested it “was gonna work out fine” and by the twenty minute mark the Vale wewre leading, 17-3 after Neil Hull had “set off in a new direction” for his try following a “wild and wild” run from Craig Orrick, Neale Foster. But the Vale were to give their supporters “a lifetime of promises and a world of dreams” when they gifted Oldham a try late in the game.

For the Vale “What You Get Is What You See” and after three minutes of the second half they increased their lead. Off went winger Alistair Richards on one of his runs, “Do you wanna see me do the shimmy again?” No came the screams from the touchline, “Just run bloody straight and score!” which he did, with Neale adding the conversion.

“Two People” added tries Craig Orrick and Danny Lin to seal a victory that has set up a juicy end to the season in a possible winner takes all game against Tyldesley on April 18.

Who will be singing “Simply the best, better than all the rest” at the final whistle? and “Who needs a heart, when a heart can be broken?” “We don’t need another hero,” but “Lets stay together,” as the North Lancashire/Cumbria grand tour reaches its climax, Powder House Lane will not be the venue for “a second hand emotion” but for many “they could be in no better place.”

Vale of Lune: N Foster; C Orrick I Bird, N Hull (Rep J Hodder 44), A Richards; N Bennetts (Capt), J Bleasdale; A Cowey, G Barton, T Smith (Rep D Halliwell 50); L Acton, D Perry; S wallbank, A Garnett, M Fowler (Rep J Clarkson 55)

Man of the match: Alex Cowey (Ancient History and Classics)