Burnage 53           Vale of Lune 21

North One West

Saturday 24th April 2010

The Alies arrived clutching clinking carrier bags and heel and toed their way to the coach for the trip to Burnage. There was the usual debate about the seating arrangements but once settled it did not take too long before the goody bags were opened, oodles of pies and lashings of wine which were supplemented when Coach Graham  presented the Alies with a bottle of classic red. 

Owens with Spavin in support

Enty and the Consultant had been out at crack of dawn, queuing for those splendid meat pies for connoisseurs, from Watson’s Family Bakery on Noel Road-scrumptious. The red wines had been given time to breathe and soon the tannins were rattling around the tonsils, these were not rough and ready little numbers, they were bursting with flavours, coal dust, plums, blackcurrants and raisins, which brought memories flooding back of the Languedoc, Maipo Valley and Barossa Valley.

Gilly, in the absence of the President, hitch hiking back from Barcelona and Morse doing the hokey-cokey in a secret hideaway, struggled with the crossword. Eventually he had to admit defeat and pass it over to Enty, but between the munching and slurping, Enty found time to complete a substantial proportion of the grid, although the clue for six down, “Talk covering healthier worker in a fuel industry,” did cause some furrowed brows and a healthy debate.

Cowie on the charge with Ferguson on his shoulder

Titanium Jim’s winning sequence on the green baize continues but Gilly refused to discuss the score, noting that if the conversation carried on in this vein a few slaps would be administered, and he would not confirm he had been presented with a book entitled “Teach Yourself Snooker,” by Jim after the final frame.

The Solicitor asked the Major about dates and venues for the Alies annual bonding sessions. He wondered if the itinerary would include an earlier start time than last year because he had so much enjoyed sitting in various car parks waiting for the pubs to open.

Owens going in for his try with referee Andy Daniels in attendance

Coach driver Jamie, who had been busy all week returning stranded holiday makers from Austria, deftly negotiated the Volvo, after leaving the M60, through a neat residential estate, before turning into Battersea Road. As this appeared to be a modern industrial complex, the Press Secretary was accused of misreading the directions yet again but eventually Varley Park hove into view.

The first visit to Varley Park proved to be an eye opener, an altogether thoroughly enjoyable experience, the final score not withstanding. A warm sunny day brought out the best of Burnage’s facilities; a modern well designed clubhouse with surely the most attractive and pristine toilets on the circuit, a huge patio area overlooking the pitches and a nine hole golf course adjacent. There were signs of further developments in progress, all weather pitches and training facilities, Burnage are certainly a club with an eye to the future and this was very evident both on and off the field.    

Hodder with the conversion that took him to 100 points for the season

Traditionally the Solicitor is in charge of the kitty for the final away game of the season but because of the generosity of the welcoming committee he was briefly redundant and the kitty remained untouched for the first two rounds of some splendid Hyde’s draught bitter. In addition the Alies were pointed in the direction of a sumptuous buffet before moving onto the patio to watch the aeroplanes landing at Manchester Airport and chew the cud.

The Secretary arrived sporting a black eye which caused a certain amount if sniggering and speculation; apparently the cause of the shiner involved a garage door and a golf trolley!! “David Bailey” was explaining to the Major the working of his camera and the Handyman, between rolling his own, was explaining to the Press Secretary the differences between a scrummage machine and a road roller, plus something called a G3 all weather pitch.

Foster with Macluskie with the Vale alies in full support

 After witnessing the pounding out on the pitch further disappointments lay in store for the Alies when it was announced that the Hyde’s beer had run out. When the sobbing had died down and the tissues discarded, the round became wide ranging, smooth flow, red wine, but the drink of choice for those in the know about these things, was Crabbies Alcoholic Ginger Beer.   

Darren Wilson was named by the host club as Vale’s man if the match, but had to dash off quickly because of work commitments. In his absence Jonty Higgin went head to head with Burnage’s man of the match in a race to be the first to down a pint which he accomplished with the minimum of fuss causing one the Alies to remark that another university education had not been wasted.

Then it was off to sample the delights of Didsbury, after a massive raffle that had more prizes than your average Christmas Draw. The packed outdoor cafes and bars were eventually left behind for a stomp around St Helens. By this stage the efficient Consultant had taken over the kitty, but the pace had distinctly slowed down. Enty found a chippy, the Major went for a make your own pizza and the Consultant went fifteen rounds with a massive kebab.

Eventually all the stragglers were rounded up by the Loafer and the coach rattled up the M6 to the sound of singing from the rear as the Alies gradually slipped into the arms of Morpheus dreaming of more excursions.

Remarkably the Vale led 21-20 at half time with tries from Fergus Owens, a little gem this, one from Lewis Leaumoana in his final game for the Vale and a ninety metre dash from James Hodder. James converted all three, before Burnage crushed any hopes of the Vale’s recent run of good form continuing with an empathic second half performance.

Vale of Lune: N Foster (A Richards 60); J Hodder, A Macluskie, J Higgin, T Finau; F Owens, D Wilson; J Ashton-Yamnikar, O Cowey (A Powers 47), J Ferguson; L Acton (Capt), D Perry; F Spavin, L Leaumoana, L Ford (P Watson).   

Referee: Andy Daniels. Manchester & District Society

VALE OF LUNE   52     LEIGH   8

NORTH ONE WEST

Saturday 17th April 2010

 All Photos by Tony North

For those of a romantic bent it was a sad day at The Lane, despite another try fest, because not only was it the final home game for the first team, but it was the last game that this particular group of players, from both sides, plus some supporters that they would avail themselves of the facilities before the stand and changing rooms are demolished towards the end of next month.

To be fair in this modern, chrome, exquisitely tiled age, with tip up plastic seats, the old lady has long since passed her sell by date. Like the Alies, old age has caught up with her, she has frayed at the edges and all she has to look forward to is the arrival of the wrecking crew in their hard hats and high visibility jackets.

But if only the stand and changing room could talk what tales they would have to tell about the post war history of the Vale of Lune, from the appearance of international teams, county championship games including a final that is enshrined in folk lore, club games against clubs from the top tier, and not forgetting fixtures for all the Vale sides involving all sections of the club, both male and female.

Everyone has their own special memories associated with the changing rooms, toilets and stand; pretty soon they are all we shall be left with, plus a number of photographs to rekindle the memory bank.

Birdy on the charge

Tear were shed, some surreptitiously with a wipe of the hand, when Neil Bennetts took his final bow against Aspatria, but perhaps bricks and mortar don’t generate the same emotions. If you find yourself down The Lane in the next few weeks go and give the old girl a pat, she deserves it.

 The Red Baron raised and lowered the club flag and the Miller Homes Leagues flag for the last time, and although the club flag will fly proudly above the new stand, there will be a different league ensign because the sponsorship has changed.    

Foster with a succesful conversion attempt

 Out on the East Terrace the indefatigable Elwyn dished out the blackcurrant and liquorice sweets for the last time, no hip flasks were forthcoming from the Consultant or the Plumber, who was feeling cross on the beach.

The collective chewing was interrupted when the Major introduced the Conservative candidate for Lancaster and Morecambe, David Morris, describing the Press Secretary as being right of Genghis Kharn-ooh err!

James Hodder on his way to score

After arranging a carrier pigeon to fly out some cash to son Thomas, who was stranded in Portugal, Alicatress, Lynne Winn, turned up for the pre match lunch and later presented the Alies with a bottle of Glenfiddich in memory of John. Her lunch was interrupted when she said she had booked Shagpile to fit a carpet; check the measurements and colours, hide the radiators, and confirm the date was the advice offered. Lynne quickly regained her equilibrium with a swift draught of white wine.

With the Potting Shed being locked for the weekend Enty turned up for lunch, accompanied by the usual remark from Muggy, “It’s not a freebee!” Gilly was late on parade because he was showing a potential buyer around the mansion, and the Major was swanning in the County Bar as a guest of the sponsors. The Fitter was off on yet another of his away days, while his son and heir was scoring another try, causing someone to observe that Ian scores more tries when he is away!

Jonty Higgin bustling his way through

The Electrician was making his first appearance of the year following his ice skating accident with a wheelie bin; perhaps he should have a word with Len Wadeson, whose son Michael with partner Olga Olsanicova, recently won the British Adult Pairs Figure Skating Championship in Sheffield; triple salchow’s all round.

After the game the Press Secretary was checking if the Alies would be interested in taking a table at the Bateman BMW Premier League and the Miller Homes presentation evening at Preston Grasshoppers.

“When is it?” asked Gilly.

“Friday 6th May,” replied the P S.

“Day after the election,” muttered Enty.

“Good,” said a smirking P S. “we will be able to toast Rab Nesbit on retaining the keys to number 10!”

Wilson providing service for his threequarters

This remark had the “Blue Rinse Brigade,” this is a misnomer because some of them are folliclely challenged, spluttering into their glasses of malt, foaming at the mouth, waving their bus passes in the air and singing a chorus from the Eton Boating song.

Unusually the Major, who normally has his finger pressed firmly on the political pulse, remained calm because he was serenely celebrating Rochdale Football Club’s first promotion in 41 years, and reminding Enty that his beloved Bury could only manage to draw at home with Port Vale.

Lewis Leaumoana brushing off the opposition

Against Leigh the Vale posted eight quality tries in ideal conditions for running rugby, from Ian Bird, Neale Foster, Alistair Richards, James Hodder, Fergus Owens, Lewis Leaumoana, Andy Powers and Darren Wilson. Neale converted one and kicked two penalty goals, James converted two. 

When the dust had settled prop Jack Ferguson, who not so long ago completed his second tour of duty in Afghanistan, was named man of the match and Lewis Leaumoana and Tin Finau were presented with Vale shirts. Both Lewis and Tim are due to return home, but whether the big 777 lifts off is dependant on the volcanic ash eruption dying down. Who knows, they might still be around when the senior squad begin their fitness training programme at the end of June!

Richards on his way to the line

As the season draws to a close the Alies attention is focussed on their summer activities. Mention has been made of possible venues and if the Fitter has his way it will be the Trough of Bowland, but the Major is on the case and all will be revealed in the coming weeks.

In the meantime it must be emphasised that all the Alies are responsible for their own fitness by visiting a bar at least twice a week during the close season. They should be aiming to bench press their own weight in meat pies, mushy peas and red cabbage, easily carry a try of foaming pints without breaking sweat, hold a sensible conversation when the round reaches double figures, and this is a real target, remember their mobile phone number.  

Vale of Lune: N Foster (T Finau 45); J Hodder, J Higgin, I Bird, A Richards; F Owens, D Wilson; J Ashton-Yamnikar, O Cowey ( A Powers 50), J Ferguson; L Acton (Capt) (A Garnett 64), D Perry; L Leaumoana, F Spavin, L Ford. 

Man of the Match: Jack Ferguson

Match Sponsors: GF Property Sales. Burton and Fisher Financial Services

Match Ball Sponsors: VMC Developments Ltd.

Referee:   Andrew Dawson.  Manchester Society

Vale of Lune 72 Aspatria 12

North One West

Saturday 10th April 2010

All Pictures by Andy Perry

Gandalf and his chums brought their rings down from the hills but they were unable to forge a victory against the Dark Lords of Powder House Lane, who yielded little.

Naturally the “Predictors” were subdued; they were already destined for a season rattling around the caverns of North Lancashire/Cumbria jousting with a few old enemies in the Middle Earth.

End of an era

After the game Enty met with Meriadoc in the toilets but had great difficulty in understanding the language. He did recognise some vaguely familiar phrases which appeared to involve the word “Wok-in-ton” and when he did eventually emerge he discovered he had been unable to complete his ablutions and was off again when the coast was clear.

All the talk among the Alies, has it has been all season, was the predictions section of the Black Reds web site but after such a stonking victory the Hawks were in a conciliatory mood, in particular Gilly, who had drawn the Grand National winner in yet another efficiently organised sweep by William Hill’s pension provider, Shagpile.

Ever the athlete

Shagpile is in his element when the National coincides with a home game. He sits by the door, cackling like those ladies that used to gather by the Guillotine, collecting the two pounds, trying to remember who had paid him, while his natural charisma had clients queuing up to part with their cash.

 He was so busy he was unable to sit down to the pre match lunch, although he did find time to wander over to scrounge some cheese and tell Gilly he needed a hair cut and that the Press Secretary’s hair was becoming greyer. This recent obsession with the condition of the Alies hair is exciting Enty because he thinks that his client might be considering a career change; any suggestions for the name of Shagpile’s Salon? 

Guard of honour

A number of the Alies had gone walkabout, the Plumber was off to make a Maltese Cross, the Fitter was entwined in the Anglers Arms, but Titanium Jim was back after a spell in the sub-continent. He had obviously spent some time polishing up his cue, rather than making a spectacle of himself, because he gave Gilly a good seeing to on the green baize shortly after his return.

After another super pre match lunch, steak pie, the Major summoned everyone out to form a tunnel on this special day for Neil Bennetts. Diggler, sporting a natty pair of fashionable trainers, and Nintendo Doris, the ground duty team, ensured the flags were flying in celebration of Neil’s final game, plus a banner draped in front of the stand announcing “We love your pumpkin.”  

Owens about to set up Bennetts for his first try

Neil made his debut back in March 1995 and against Aspatria he was making his 382nd appearance. He had been elected Club and First Team Captain on two occasions, 2006/07, and last season when the Vale was promoted from the North Lancashire/Cumbria league. In his swansong Neil bowed out in style with two tries to bring his career total to 42 and his point’s total to 253.

The Vale, packed full of “Overseas Rugby Cash Swallowers,” ran in 11 tries, with Ian Bird and Alistair Richards collecting hat tricks, Neil’s brace included a classic dummy that was not only bought by the Aspatria defenders but quite a few on the East Terrace! Danny Lin and Lewis Leaumoana scored one try each as did Neale Foster, the full back also converting 7 of the tries, in addition to kicking a penalty goal.

Perry to Acton then Lin drives over for his try

In a gesture much appreciated by the Alies, some of whom had witnessed Neil’s debut on a Wednesday evening in March, they were invited into the inner sanctum of number five changing room to drink a toast to a loyal, talented player who had worn the Vale of Lune jersey with pride every time he pulled it on.

Neil also backed the winner of the Grand National and later collected the Man of the Match award to complete a perfect day.

Richards steps inside the fullback for his hat trick

Unfortunately all the bubbles went flat for the Major and Enty when the breaking sport’s news confirmed that their respective home soccer teams had lost rather heavily; Rochdale at Torquay, 5-0, and Bury at Cheltenham 5-2.

Meanwhile back on the “Rugby players for sale or rent” web site: Juan Costalotta; Spanish forward, fluent in English, crushes grapes, drives tractor, castanets intact. Could be worth a punt or even a Euro?

Vale forwards follow the kick off

Vale of Lune: N Foster; A Richards, F Owens (J Higgin 58), I Bird, J Hodder; N Bennetts, D Wilson; J Hesketh (J Ashton-Yamnikar 40), o Cowey, J Ferguson: L Acton, D Perry; S Wallbank (L Leaumoana 50), D Lin, L Ford.

Man of the match: Neil Bennetts

Match Sponsors: Friends of the Vale

Match Ball Sponsors: Border Asset Management 

ALTRINCHAM KERSAL 27 VALE OF LUNE 15

NORTH ONE WEST 

Saturday 27th Mar 2010 

Bird escaping the opposition attention

Ann-Marie, one of the Vale of Lune’s bevy of bouncing barmaids, has seen and heard most things, after all she has been pandering to and anticipating the Alies needs and little foibles over the years, so she is pretty unshockable, but the noises echoing around the clubhouse when she opened up the other evening caused her to rock back on her dainty heels.

Finau charging through the Wilmslow tacklers

She was greeted by the sounds of ducks quaking and air horns blowing and nervously tried to discover the source. Eventually she had to summon the club house manager from his chaise longue to investigate. The intermittent noises continued and just as Derrick was about to start removing ceiling tiles and Ann-Marie was preparing to climb the chimney, his radar locked onto an object on one of the shelves behind the bar.

A bleeping mobile had been left behind by a member, no names, no pack drill, but the other week he had played for the Vikings with a gum shield that matched the colour of the shirts. The APPS, BAPS, CAPS were throbbing away with a cacophony of message alert tones which included one from his beloved, “Ducky Lucky.”

Owens looking to offload in the tackle

Derrick returned home to finish off the melon he had been nibbling before he had been so rudely interrupted, muttering to himself, “This place is driving me quackers.”  

 The Alies were in something of a flap as they boarded the coach to Altrincham, because they were ten in number and piled into any available seat. This caused some confusion because some were ousted from their regular perches. The Major spent the half the journey muttering, “Eeeh! I can’t get comfy,” in a passable imitation of the late Norman Evans.

Leaumoana breaking free

Thoughts of any rebellion were quelled when the Press Secretary produced a bottle of Chilean Merlot with a picture of a bicycle on the label from Aldofo Hurtado’s vineyard. Cheap and cheerful, full of mountain flavours, plums, blackberry and a hint of chocolate, although one of the imbibers wondered if it had been strained through a well worn saddle.  

Morse then released a bottle of Hardys Cabernet Merlot, a vibrant bouquet with an oaky background, full of hidden corners and much appreciated.

Hodder on the move with well wrapped up Dave Bennetts and Andy Perry "encouraging" him

Enty’s grey matter was not required to solve the crossword because with the President and Morse in harness Gilly’s biro danced over the page. In fact Enty was wrestling with the ins and outs of the recently announced Budget and was heard chuntering on about “fiscal drift” in between asking the Plumber what he should do about his leaking boiler.

All was quiet at Stelfox Avenue when the coach driver, the amiable Derek, parked up. The Alies piled up the stairs to the Halo Lounge but being gentlemen quickly beat a retreat when they realised that their party contained more than the invited number.

Finau on the way to the line for his second Vale try

Before the kitty could be sorted out they were called back aloft by Jean and Alec, who insisted that the whole group could be accommodated, a splendid gesture and much appreciated as was the sponsors comfortable furniture.

 Pints of well kept John Smiths Smooth and a succulent pork roast joint went down well but Gilly had to be eased out of the Chesterfield in time to clap the team out. The Solicitor rounded everyone up, and issued a general bollocking for the lax attitude shown by some Alies at recent home games. 

Lin with Cowey, Ford, Perry and Spavin coming to render assistance

The journey back to the Vale was bathed in late evening sunshine, the planes taking off and landing at Manchester Airport glinting like crimson insects. Shagpile disappeared to the toilet and after thirty minutes people began to worry about his non return, but Morse eventually tracked him down further along the coach snoozing.

Back at the Vale the McCann’s wedding was in full swing with guests arriving in their droves. One couple however were headed in the opposite direction. A heated discussion developed, concisely commented on by the Major, for those too nosey to turn round, he also offered the pair some forthright Marge Proops advice about how to resolve the disagreement.

 In between rounds the Alies were reminded that the clocks needed to be moved forward an hour, or was it back? As always this operation caused a certain amount of hand wringing and head shaking for those with electronic equipment scattered around the house and in the car.

And to finish the pictures by Tony North, Ian Bird again finding the shortest route

Gilly was particularly worried about a recently installed sundial. Perhaps he should not have cemented it in place if he was having to move it twice a year. Unfortunately the brain’s trust around the table could not resolve the problem; the Plumber’s new GooseBerry was on the blink, but he did confirm that Rochdale had won, smiles from the Major, and Bury had lost, tears from Enty.   

Half the Alies waddled off into the night for a taxi, Enty puffing on a cheroot, leaving the Plumber and son, plus the Consultant, discussing what take-away would compliment one of the Consultant’s malts, and Shagpile sloped off to renew his acquaintance with his friend, the one arm bandit.

They had witnessed a cracking game of rugby in a North One West game that was dominated by the wind that blew straight down the ground. Altrincham Kersal had first use, and by the 27th minute had raced to a 24-0 lead.

Captain for the day in the absence of Lee Action who was detained at his convenience, Ian Bird collected his elusive 100th try just before the interval, an important score from a Vale stalwart. The Vale took up the baton with relish in the second half. Neale Foster kicked a penalty goal and converted Tin Finau’s interception try, as the Vale hammered away at the home side’s line until the closing minutes when an Altrincham Kersal penalty goal from the impressive Sean Rogers closed out the game.

Vale of Lune: N Foster; J Hodder, N Bennetts (J Higgin 40), I Bird (Capt), T Finau; F Owens, D Wilson: J Hesketh (J Ashton-Yamnikar 40), O Cowey, J Ferguson; D Perry, L Ford; A Garnett (F Spavin 40), D Lin, L Leaumoana 

VALE OF LUNE  17    WILMSLOW  14

NORTH ONE WEST

Saturday 20th March 2010

 Last week’s headline caused some of the Alies to visit the brain gym, the answer of course being Mousehole. Morse, who struggled with the headline clue, provided one for trichology, “Hi! Gory mess gets clot to help Enty and Gilly.”

 It has been a fragmented season for the Alies, certainly since the turn of the year. The Fitter was in Paris for the Six Nations, supping beer at £6 a pint and Morse was absent on a secret mission that involved talking into lapel microphones.

But the Major had returned from his operations in the Euro Zone, blizzards in Italy were not going to deflect him from a gastronomic tour; after all he had coped with worse conditions while in the Baltic Command, loosing off rounds from his Sten gun to make sure Ivan kept his head down, in temperatures well below zero.

The Plumber was fully primed up to offer the referee advice, both at The Lane, Croke Park and the Stade de France, after a weekend on Hadrian’s Wall lighting the beacons. However, the Telephonist, who knows a thing or two about the art of refereeing, was being driven in, rounded up, tarred and feathered, or something similar, at Morecambe Golf Club.

 As always the pre match lunch proved popular, chicken in a white wine mushroom sauce, or salmon, and yes, the Major did ask if he could have a portion of both!

The company was first class but there was an element of sadness about the occasion because it was possibly the last time that Pat and Ivor Clays would be dining because of their imminent move to the south. Over the years both have been stalwarts of the Vale and Ivor’s contributions in his role as Secretary are legendary plus his dedication to ensuring the well being of the Vale of Lune, where the words “second best” were not part of Ivor’s vocabulary. Both Pat and Ivor will be missed by their many friends in the area.

 Dr Finlay made a rare appearance at the pre match lunch. He was hugely entertaining, in particular when Muggy produced his tablets. A situation that provoked a lively discussion about the various pills and potions everyone was on.

President of Wilmslow, Jonty Fallows, looked in the rudest of health, in his bespoke pink line jacket, matching shirt and club tie. He was the bearer of gifts because, as promised, he brought along a present of organic free range eggs from his estate after his freshly made Michelin Star egg sandwiches had earned such praise and admiration back in November.

Unlike the last meeting between the two clubs the Wolves did not have a free run in the coop, sure their eyes were blazing and their fangs looked dangerous but this time around they could not blow over the Vale’s house.

Towards the end both sides unleashed the handbags, satchels and pretty purses in a free for all that had some of the Alies chewing on the barriers, polishing their shoes in frustration because all the action took place in the far left hand corner and they quickly realised that by the time they would have reached the action it would be all over.

A study of the new development plans reveal that there will be no press box on the East Terrace with attendant facilities, so relief will have to be found behind the trees, but please be careful because the brambles are rampant and no respecters of the nether regions.

Vale led 5-3 at half time with Danny Lin scoring the try. In the second half James Hodder raced away for a try converted by Neale Foster but a last minute try from Tim Finau, his first for the Vale, secured victory.

Vale of Lune: N Foster; J Hodder, N Bennetts, I Bird, T Finau; F Owens, D Wilson; J Hesketh, O Cowey, L McLoughlin (J Ferguson 56); L Acton (Capt), L Ford; A Garnett (S Wallbank 56), D Lin, L Leaumoana

Referee:  Christopher Higgins. Manchester Society

Match Sponsors: M H Stainton

Match Ball Sponsors: Border Asset Management     

SANDBACH 7 VALE OF LUNE 25

NORTH ONE WEST

Saturday 6th March 2010

It had been a busy week for the Alies which began with a night out at The Bellingham Hotel in Wigan, the venue for the Manchester and District Rugby Union Referees’ Society Annual Dinner.

Diggler had been co-opted to drive the mini-bus with the promise of a meal, although he would have to do without a Latvian lap dancer because Gilly had drawn a blank, his only administrative slip up of the evening.

Young Diggler handled the vehicle with aplomb, a cross between Michael Schumacher and Reginald Molehusband, while his running commentary held everyone enthralled, if a slightly envious, as “Casanova” recounted some of his exploits and conquests.  

On the way back Diggler spotted a van parked on the hard shoulder that looked familiar. Yes, dear reader, it was; you are one jump ahead of me. It cost him £150 to get the vehicle back from the custodians, and another story for his repertoire.

Gilly handled the accounts for the dinner, ensuring all the cheques and cash went in the right envelope this time because last year his double entry system went a little haywire. The Press Secretary did his stint as kitty master, no problems; although Shagpile said he was parting with his last note as his well worn wallet flashed open, and with his friend, the Electrician still housebound, it looked like being a long night.

Overall it was a pleasant convivial evening, with the top brass, Fred and Reg, from the Miller Homes Leagues present it could hardly be otherwise. Jonty and Barry from Wilmslow were on the next table and the eggcitement knew no bounds. Enty, who had booked the following morning off, and the President, negotiated something approaching a sensible price for a bottle of port to follow the Major’s intriguing choice of wines.

 For the trip to Sandbach the Major was absent, saving himself for a gala evening and pressing his dickey, but it was a quietly confident group of Alies, some wearing their “lucky” underpants, who boarded Carl’s luxury Volvo coach.

Derrick was unable to provide his usual emergency rations, but the Plumber brought along a knobbly, acute Shiraz which thrust itself into all the palate’s crevices. As it warmed up the connoisseurs were experiencing, plums, prunes, burnt toast and that subtle perfume that is associated with opening the tractor shed doors.

Light traffic on the M6 ensured an early arrival at Bradwall Road. The usual debate broke out who was to be kitty master, the Plumber produced his littlered book and Entry trudged his way to the bar to order some splendid “London Pride.”  Gilly’s long hair worried the President, but he was reassured when Gilly said he still opted for a centre parting.

There was some confusion when the Solicitor dragged the Alies to form a tunnel. Clap! Clap! went the Alies when a column of red and white jerseys emerged from the changing rooms, but although the shirts looked familiar the faces did not, apart from one, Martin Lancaster.

Slowly it dawned on the Alies that this was Sefton’s second team, captained by former Vale of Lune player Martin, but after a brief pause the applause increased as a bemused group of players trotted off to take on Sandbach’s third team, eventually losing 25-13.

Sutcliffe using his considerable bulk

As the half hour approached, on the main pitch, handbags began to swing and the players waltzed their way to the touchline, the miscreants eventually spilling over the barrier where a group of Alies were standing. Accusations were made that one of the Alies had raised a foot and one was threatened with a citizen’s arrest.

While the bus passes, Nectar Cards and library cards flashed, the ones that mattered remained in referee Andy Dawson’s pockets. The President did explain that in days gone bye the perpetrator would have been labelled a malefactor and branded with the letter “m.” He then disappeared round the back of the clubhouse to give the bellows an extra pump to set the coals glowing.    

On the return journey a brief stop was made in Sandbach to drop a couple of players at the railway stain and the Alies were treated to a refreshing bottle of agreeable red by the players. After a few tales from the Potting Shed it was decided to open up the Spoof school for the first time this year.

Heskey in a wrestling contest

 But before any calls, and while Gilly was fumbling for a score sheet, the Press Secretary contacted Morse with the league results. Morse was purring his way home ready for a night on the Singer Sewing Machine after his son’s efforts had caused the gusset to split in his shorts revealing a delicate shade of big boy pants.  

Spoof followed its usual pattern with the Press Secretary struggling to add or subtract and remembering the calls and consequently lost the first two games. Eventually everything settled down. Gilly reminded everyone that should you reach the “final” never be caught with three or none in your hand. He was later hoisted by his own petard.

With the sun setting over Morecambe Bay a classic “Final” was fought out between Enty and Shagpile. The carpetbagger had stayed out of trouble all evening but he met his match with Enty. “None!” shouted Shagpile.

A smirking Enty responded with “Spoof!”

“Take your winnings off my account,” muttered his client.

In the clubhouse the Alies debated the benefits of a Care in the Community programme or whether an ASBO was just around the corner after the events on the touchline, but all agreed it had been a cracking performance against Sandbach, effectively erasing from the memory the disappointments of the last visit. There had been three quality tries from Fergus Owens, James Hodder and Darren Wilson; Neale Foster had converted all three tries and kicked a penalty goal.  

Vale of Lune: M Stevens; J Hodder, A Macluskie, F Owens, T Finau (A Richards 47); N Foster D Wilson; J Hesketh, A Powers, A Sutcliffe; L Acton (Capt), D Perry; A Garnett, D Lin, S Wallbank (F Spavin 51)

Man of the Match: Darren Wilson 

I’m afraid that my attempts to provide the photo of the 100% bust up beteen the teams met with failure. There must have been  a bug in the picture. However a certain Mr Higgin seemed well to the fore.

Tony Norths pictures of the leadups to the tries are now becoming a feature of the articles.

Not only being terrific photos but having the patience to wait and take hundreds of photos on the off chance shows the calibre of our own photographer. Excellent.  

RR