VALE OF LUNE 8            NORTHWICH 6

NORTH ONE WEST

Saturday 20th February 2010

McLoughlin with the hand-off

 At last the Major’s secret is out. Power napping apparently boosts brain power and dramatically increases the ability to learn facts and complete tasks. According to Professor Matthew Walker and his team from the University of California at Berkley, sleep was needed to clear the brain’s short term memory store to make room for new information; and we all thought it was something to do with beer and food!

Wallbank taking the tackle

The Major and his hippocampus were missing from the Northwich thriller. Some said he was on another of his secret missions, tubes of Max Factor camouflage make-up had been spotted rolling around the boot of the staff car, others said that he had received a call ahead of the 2014 Winter Olympics for  luge training sessions.

Unfortunately the wintry weather has forced the Electrician to abandon his scheme for a new Olympic event, Wheelie Bin Curling. While practising he was unfortunately pole axed by a recalcitrant bin and suffered a badly broken ankle.   

Finau escaping from his marker

 Arrangements were made to transport the Electrician to Powder House Lane, a large van to accommodate his wheel chair, blocks to hold it in place and all the necessary back up equipment for the journey, but maybe next time.

The Alies ranks were further reduced because Enty and Gilly were on ground duty and what an efficient job they did, flags flying in the warm sunshine, tea trays brightly polished, pity they did not notice the thermostat settings for the showers in the Northwich changing room.

Danny Lin scoring with Perry, Cowey and Leaumoana in close attendance

They both managed to join their colleagues after the game, the Consultant, Muggy, who has a complete mastery of the bus timetables, and the Press Secretary, Enty, who has become something a gammon addict, persuaded the Consultant to stay, with a promise to take him home and collect a salad bowl, with the possibility of a quick dram later.

The pre match lunch was again up to its usual high standard, but the Club House Manager, who had not had an easy morning, was heard to remark that if he had known the Major was away he would have not have cooked quite so much! Shagpile came in looking for Gilly and mooched away disappointed; Gilly said he had only come for a piece of his cheese.

The drive on the lead up to the only try of the game

Morse was in good form, rattling on about the Aspatria web site and looking forward to the Vale’s fixture against the Black Reds on April 10. The Fitter, whose social diary is full to the brim these days, rambled on about the failure of the battery charger on the line marker but after a number of attempts he managed to complete the marking of three pitches.  

The East Terrace would not be the same without the studied comments and helpful advice offered by the Plumber to the match officials, but in an absorbing, exciting contest he only uttered a few, ”Oh come on ref!” He left quickly after the game to prepare for the annual Plumber’s Ball, so he missed all the comments about washers and ball cocks. Thankfully it was not the Fisherman’s Ball and all the problems associated with pulling a mussel that this event has been plagued with over the years

At one stage, pre match, the Alies were outnumbered by their counterparts from Northwich led by the amiable and generous Steve Wood. Coffee appeared to be the preferred beverage for the Northwich lads on arrival, but it is doubtful if this trend will adopted by the Alies, who still have warm memories of the Blossom Hill they consumed on the visit to Moss Farm in October. 

Heskey on the charge with Ford, Lin, McLaughlin and Garnett in close attendance.

The game against Northwich has been described as the best seen at The Lane in recent seasons, few would argue with this assessment. As the scoreline suggests it was a close game but the tempo never dropped, all the skills on display were of the highest standard, play was hard and fair and all those who took part deserve to be congratulated on producing an encounter of such quality.

Northwich led three nil at half time thanks to a penalty goal from the influential Bogdan Muntean. Danny Lin scored a try for the Vale in the fifty second minute, but Bogdan edged the visitors ahead with penalty in the sixty seventh minute. James Hodder, whose head was swathed in a bandage, took over the kicking duties from Neale Foster, and looped over the winning penalty goal with eight minutes remaining to set up tension filled climax.  

Vale of Lune: N Foster (M Stevens 73); J Hodder, F Owens, I Bird (Capt), T Finau; N Bennetts, D Wilson; J Hesketh, O Cowey (A Powers 55), L McLoughlin; D Perry, L Ford; S Wallbank (A Garnett 55), D Lin, L Leaumoana

Replacements: M Stevens, A Powers, A Garnett 

Vale of Lune’s Man of the Match: Dan Perry

“They’re trying to come between us”

 A brightish morning heralded a bumper number of Alies and, as yet, unnamed supporters. All this and the Press Secretary absent in the North Staffordshire on missionary work with visiting Aussies. An air of anticipation created a buzz. A hint of confidence pervaded though Shagpile had a problem with the absence of his very best friend the Oil Tycoon was missing. John, a fearsome Jock, fired up the bus and we swept out between the stone pillars of Powder House Lane to be flagged down by the said Oil Tycoon in his most imperious pomp. Well, stopping a bus is nothing to a man used to riding in amongst the Royal cavalcades of Middle Eastern potentates. This, of course, provoked a good deal of comment, not necessarily very nice. The Oil Tycoon shrugged, “They’re trying to come between us” he whispered stage like to Shagpile.

The Lancaster traffic hindered us not and the M6 was quickly joined. Gillie, clutching the emergency nose bag provided by the Steward (the Alies love it when there’s been a “do” the night before) out of leftovers. Not being at all proud the Major led the foray into the lemon and black pepper marinated chicken legs which were pronounced lip smackingly good. Digestion was aided for most by the protracted 50 limits through the rash of road works spread all over the M-way like rustic plonk over a Spanish hill village. “Whose turn was it today?” enquired Gillie.

 Today’s only pick up was a No 7 at junction 27 in the Services. “There is nae a sairvissis a joncshun twain’y seven” growled Jock. “Well a garage then” said Enty in that slightly waspish don’t argue with me tone he uses before he’s had his pre match quota. The Major leapt into the jump seat and conned the coach into the Derv aisle to await the no 7. He boarded accompanied by grunts frae the driving seat and it was off to New Brighton.

Progress was OK measured against the number of roadworks but tempus was fugitting a bit and comments about slow journeys were pushing Jock’s buttons and were met by “It’s nae but a heap o cxxp”. Gillie who had used the calm conditions wisely to carve the pork growler and dole out the sausage rolls joined in the debate about M6, M56, M53 versus M58 and through the middle of Liverpool would have been quicker, when Jock peeled off towards Chester. He said Sexy Cindy of Sat Nav fame told him to. Cue communal apoplexy. Cries of “Where’s he going, we won’t make half time, it’ll take 2 ‘n’ alf hours” and parentage queries rent the air. The Major sprang from a power nap once more into the jump seat and conned the coach back on track. Gillie kept up a running tirade till the coach swept into Reeds Lane and Hartsfield, home of NB.

Certain of our group evaded the gateman by declaring membership of the President’s party, the rest of us coughed up and then got stuck into some tasty Black Sheep. Tension tightens tummies so it was kept to a 3 pinter. “Everybody out! Form the tunnel” Today was Birdie’s 300^th game. With total travelling support approaching 30, appreciable applause greeted Birdie as he led out the boys in full and majestic strut.

The NB Alies produced an appetising tray of sandwiches after the game and with 6 Nations on the telly and 1^st class ale in hand it was a happy band of brothers who weaved their way to Jock’s jalopy some 2 hours later. First stop the obligatory offy (more chunter and “A cannae stay i’ the bus stop aw neet”) then on to the dizzy draw of Preston at even song. Enty, sniffing a steak at 200 yards was off the bus like a rat up a pipe. Into J D W’s finest, table found and selection made in less than 2 minutes. It should be an Olympic Sport. The Plumber, kitty master but as only 4 in it this counts as half a kitty, sorted everything out. Mind you, Enty had sold a dummy. It was a GAMMON steak and ooooh 2 eggs AND a pineapple ring he had; his cup positively ranneth over. The remaining diners were impressed that he had widened his dining to include such fancy gear as gammon – with fruit- it’s the future!

The place was full of Michael Jackson wannabes (well they certainly were not lookalikes) including one specimen, female, with her backside bared for all to see. The Plumber, used to getting into some mucky places, rather spoilt it by stating it was a plastic bum sewed on the outside of her sparkly trousers. With that and 4 clean plates it was off to the Old Black Bull across the road.  With a fine selection of ales and a blues band called “Section” (what an apt name for an Alies band) that rocked times were good. All too soon it was time to go and with a last visit to the skating rink that was the Gents the Alies drifted back to the bus. Jock was on his hours so it there was only time for a short nap back to the Vale with a rapid unloading of the kit, just time for a G&Ts for Gillie and the Major. The Lawyer declined, he was a spent force having played such a fast game.

 The match was a frantic affair with the score never a winning margin apart. The Vale looked good chucking it about and the pack stood up well to a much bigger set of forwards. Their rolling maul against our speedster Daz and his boys at the back.2 points to the Vale. “Never in doubt” quoth the Lawyer, as he descended from the higher reaches of the tarmac terrace. Quite right, nothing was coming between the Vale and 2 points today.

This article was lovingly crafted by The Major in Scoop’s absence, who spent the day supping in Eric Bristow’s pub, but declining to chuck arrows, play poker or perform in the karaoke, mainly because of the legs struggled to grasp the messages from the brain.

Saturday 13th February 2010

Report written by Peter Lovett-Horn in the absence of Scoop.

One North West

At the end of this season many Vale people, players and supporters alike will look back on this as being a definitive game for the club; a game in which the young team came up against tough, uncompromising and experienced opponents and refused to yield.

It will be remembered as the game in which Vale discovered they could play like a team, score great tries and mix it with some of the division’s wiliest operators.  In essence it was a good and a deserved win which has set the team up for a great run into the end of the season.

Sequence of photos by Tony North of Darren Wilson's brilliant individual try.

The victory was inspired by some great personal displays, none more so than the one from new scrum-half Darren Wilson.  Since his arrival, he has galvanised the Vale back division into an attacking force to be feared and he has drawn the very best out of the ever-improving Fergus Owens who sparkled in attack and helped create two of Vale’s four tries.  If he can tighten up on his defensive work he will have fulfilled all that promise.

Up forward Vale have the youngest pack in the division, but they grow in stature with each game.  On Saturday skipper Lee Acton gave another towering performance, while Sam Wallbank played with courage and conviction and Lancashire Under 20s prop James Hesketh had the sort of assured game that has earmarked him as a quality player and one very much for the future.

Wilson gave Vale the best possible start when he gathered a loose kick out of touch and raced through the New Brighton defence to touch down under the posts. His speed caught everybody by surprise so much so that not one finger was laid upon him as he scorched 40 yards to the line.  Neale Foster, playing his first game of the season since breaking his leg in a pre-season friendly, stepped up and converted.

The Vale team being led out by Ian Bird

There was a brief moment when it looked as though the game might be called off when the referee, James Brown went down with a leg injury.  But after attention from the Vale physio, he was able to continue.

A couple of mistakes, one from a line-out put the Vale defence under pressure and for a while they were very much on the rack and it came as no surprise when the New Brighton captain, the highly influential  Kati Tuipulotu scrambled over for a try.  The number eight is very much the lynchpin of the powerful New Brighton pack and time after time he was to cause problems and he scored a second try, again after more confusion at a Vale line-out and after a couple of missed tackles.

In between his two scores, Foster showed Vale what they had been missing when he kicked an angled 42 yard penalty.

With the scores level, Vale broke the deadlock when Luke Ford emerged from a pile-up with the ball and with a powerful surge he was over the New Brighton line for an unconverted try.  As the game headed into injury time, Vale debutant prop Liam McCloughlin was yellow carded for an offence on the ground and with half time nearing New Brighton took advantage and another powerful forward surge ended with wing forward Tevita Liku crossing for a try converted by Birley which gave the home side a 17-15 interval lead.

Garnett touching down for his try.

With Andrew Sutcliffe now on for McCloughlin, Vale’s pack continued to look solid and quick ball from them allowed Wilson and winger Tim Finau to catch the New Brighton on the hop.  Their speedy move down the right touch line created the space and Wallank was up with them to gratefully accept a pass and cross for the try near the posts which Foster again converted.  But again New Brighton hit back and taking advantage of a penalty for a high tackle, they punished Vale when Tuipulotu was able to grab another try again after some concerted pressure on the Vale line.  Birley’s conversion put New Brighton back into the lead.

Neale Foster converting on his return to the team

Vale though refused to panic and with Wilson leading the way they came straight back.  The scrum-half combined with Owens and the centre saw an opening went for it and timed a perfect pass to replacement Andy Garnett and he scampered over under the posts.  Foster’s conversion was inevitable and when he added a penalty soon after Vale looked home and dry.

But there was still time for a sting in the tail and New Brighton did manage to scare Vale and their travelling supporters with a try in the dying moments.  But there was only time for the missed conversion attempt before the referee’s ended the game much to the delight of Lee Acton and his team.

Ian Bird leading by example

The victory means Vale completed the double over their Cheshire opponents and have now gone above them in the league.  Vale’s win is even more remarkable when it is considered that many New Brighton supporters openly said it was the best they had seen their team play all season.

The victory has also instilled a new sense of belief in the young Vale side and in Darren Wilson they have a new talisman, a fine player and a natural leader on the field.  With a growing maturity among the pack, with the emergence of Fergus Owens and with Neale Foster back in the team, few will doubt that there are more victories ahead.

Vale: Neale Foster; James Hodder, Ian Bird, Fergus Owens,Tim Finau; Neil Bennetts, Darren Wilson; Liam McCloughlin, Olly Cowey,  James Hesketh, Lee Acton, Dan Perry, Danny Lin, Luke Ford, Sam Wallbank.  Replacements:  Andy Sutcliff, Andy Garnett, Alistair Richards.

Referee:  James Brown (Liverpool Society).

Vale of Lune 20

Broughton Park 15

North One West  

06/02/10 

All pictures by Tony North

The drums began beating out their melancholy news, the smoke signals emanating from a cold Powder House Lane confirmed it, as did the clattering Morse keys, likewise with Factotum high up on The Barrows semaphoring the bad tidings. All this high-tec equipment brought little comfort and joy, but at least the rugby world was aware that the Vale of Lune’s home game against Lymm had been called off because of a frozen pitch on January 30.

Vale pack on the drive

All the Alies knew there would be no game, but there was someone who was not in the loop and blithely unaware of the postponement-Gilly!

Messages had been left on his answer phone but after taking the dogs for their usual five kilometre walk, he boarded the Stagecoach double decker for a pre-match lunch and some intellectual chit chat before kick off. 

Neil Bennetts giving the ball out with ref Andy Dawson keeping a close eye on things.

Gilly has never been slow on the uptake and he quickly sussed out what was going on, or as it happened, not! However, having not received the news that the Alies would not be down until “Cocktail Hour,” he thought that someone would eventually arrive so it seemed appropriate to make a start on the “Theakston’s.”

The first to arrive was the Press Secretary at around three thirty to find Gilly pulling on his overcoat and setting off home, muttering about having supped five pints and not had anything to eat.

New man Leaumoana getting to grips with the opposition

Eventually the Alies dribbled in, disappointed not only because the game had been called off but they were fully geared up to entertain their friends from Lymm. The Major had arranged for the Club House Manager to prepare a salmon for a post match snack and rather than waste this delicacy it was decided to toast Lymm’s health and scoff the fish.

Of course Gilly was not forgotten. He was eventually contacted, and yes he had read all the messages and was too busy to come out again because there was a problem with the steam iron.

Wallbank soaring like a bird

There was a sigh of huge relief that the Broughton Park fixture would go ahead and no need to set the jungle drums beating. But the Electrician would be unable to join the Alies because after going fifteen rounds with a wheelie-bin he had badly broken his ankle and will be sidelined for a number of weeks, that is until his bespoke sedan chair with all mod cons and extras, including sat-nav arrives, then watch out. In the meantime what will this model patient get up to?

Although the Club House Manager was swanning around Twickers his staff had produced a splendid pre match lunch, a melt in your mouth meat pie. Enty was unable to attend, causing some unkind comments that it was because the Plumber was not offering to pay. Gilly embarked on a long tale about his shopping expedition in Netto where he had encountered Shagpile struggling with an overflowing basket, lentils and beans cascading all over the aisles.

Scrum half Wilson gets the ball away.

The melting of the ice cap has allowed the “Grand Cru,” the Alies in another guise, to start some much needed work on the pitches. Factotum fired up his beloved little red tractor and was busy shunting litter bins out of their sidings. The Fitter enthused over the consistency of the line marking paint and the promise of a new line marker if the next order was a bumper one. 

With the prospect of new changing rooms being built the Major flicked effortlessly into planning mode, licking his lips at such a logistical challenge; it was just like being in the Baltic Command all over again.

Of course the Major has many irons in the fire but during the week he was able to offer one of the staff, Ann-Marie, some valuable tips on bird watching and the identification of those to be found at the Vale. Already Buteo buteo, a buzzard, has been spotted; there are rumours of a hide being erected on the East Terrace and binoculars behind the bar.  

Vale back row in action

After the game, during which the Plumber had to be reminded not to upset the referee, even by the Plumber, although I suspect the affable Andy Dawson has been round long enough not to take umbrage, Enty spreadeagled himself over the round table to reserve a space for the Alies to watch the match from Twickenham.

In the absence of the persuasive Siobhan, Gilly and Shagpile, after a yellow card from the Secretary, who was still trying to work out how many programmes for the Lymm game had been given out to spectators, organised the raffle. Wonder of wonders, the bottle of whiskey was won by Shagpile who refused to open it because he would have to pay corkage; me thinks he is spending too much time in Netto.   

The Vale, with the fog swirling around, led 15-8 at half time with a penalty goal from James Hodder and tries from Fergus Owens and Ian Bird, Ian’s try his 99th, was converted by James. Vale survived strong pressure at the beginning of the second half before Danny Lin plunged on the ball following a line out.

Vale of Lune: M Stevens; T Finau. F Owens, I Bird, J Hodder; N Bennetts, D Wilson; J Hesketh, O Cowey, A Cowey (J Ferguson 45); L Acton (Capt.), L Ford (D Perry 25); S Wallbank, D Lin, L Leaumoana (A Garnett 62).

Man of the Match: Ian Bird

Match Sponsors: Friends of the Vale

Match Ball Sponsors: Border Asset Management

BLACKBURN  7    VALE OF LUNE  42

All Pictures by Tony North

James Hodder converts

NORTH ONE WEST

 

Saturday 12th December 2009

The staff car glided silently to a halt, the Press Secretary was waiting kerbside clutching his notebook but sans match result card because the Loafer was again sorting out the paperwork with his usual efficiency.

Peering through the tinted windows of the Signum he expected to see Monty, Ike or the Auk behind the wheel instead of the Major. Secreted somewhere in the capacious dashboard was a CD player, the twelve speakers syncopating to the beat of The Temperance Seven in full swing.

Luke Ford under pressure

Oh the memories Caruthers! Captain Cephas Howard, Count Clifford de Bevan, Haroun R T Davies, Captain Chris Buckley, et al trilling away on assorted musical instruments, many of which can be rooted out of the average kitchen drawer or from under the sink. All that was missing in the Major’s limo was a smoking jacket, a hookah and a bottle of “Mother’s Ruin.”

The River Lune was crossed, the Fitter collected from south of Lancaster and after a brief assessment of the viscosity of the line marking paint, the cruise control was set for a quiet trip down the M6. There was a slight difference of opinion between the Major and the Fitter about which road to take to Blackburn at a junction on the A59. “Follow the sign for Walton Le Dale,” instructed the Fitter. A dubious Major did as he was told.

Vales Ian Bird scores

Blackburn’s pitch and clubhouse on Ramsgreave Drive, snuggled in the folds of the hills, was a perfect picture under a blue winter sky, pock marked with fluffy pink champagne clouds. The corks were popping inside a packed clubhouse where the sponsors, their guests and club members were enjoying a pre match lunch.

Eventually the Alies who had travelled on the coach polished off the last of their meal, but perhaps because of the importance of the result, not only for the Vale but also Blackburn, they were not quite as frisky as normal. Pass me the hemlock squire.

Shagpile distributed some choice cheroots, but was reminded by Gilly that because there was only three in the kitty, it would not be recognised on the official list of kitty masters for the season.

Vales Fraser Spavin scores

Just before half time the Consultant arrived, dressed head to toe in black leathers having ridden his Honda 650 over to Blackburn for a bit of a blow. A statement, when coupled with the gear he was wearing, had a few of the Alies wondering if they had taken their tablets that morning. Suzie Quotro eat your heart out!

It was a day when various modes of transport slipped in and out of the conversation and mid way through the second half, for no apparent reason, the topic of Emperor Napoleon’s horses cropped up and their names. No one could be certain what they were called, but all were agreed that one was not called Josephine.

Marengo was the name of Napoleon’s horse at Waterloo, although the archives tell us that over the years he rode many. Apparently he had a passion for “good tempered, gentle gallopers and easy amblers,” a bit like the Alies really; Enty hand me the whip!

Despite the furrowed brows pre kick off the lads out on the paddock showed no sign of nerves after skipper Lee Acton’s try had ensured the perfect start. Ian Bird, chewed on the bit, and added a second and there was one from Fraser Spavin after half an hour. James Hodder converted the opening try and kicked a penalty goal to establish a 20-7 half time lead.

After a slow start to the second half, during which the word “patience” was heard twice from the Fitter, Lee set the scoreboard moving with a second try. This score was quickly followed by a 50 metre dash from Frazer for a try, who, after his efforts was forced to empty the contents of his nosebag and drinking bottle, on the side of the pitch.

Replacement Michael Stevens on his debut, cantered between the posts for a try converted by James, who had earlier converted Fraser’s try and kicked a second penalty.

The Plumber was dropped off by the Major on the way back, and while the silver horseless carriage threaded its silent way through suburbia one could only marvel at how the Plumber managed to make his way home, clutching two works of art, following the last visit to Blackburn in March 2008.

Vale of Lune: J Hodder; A Richards, A Macluskie, I Bird (rep M Stevens 55), M Kellett; N Bennetts, M Huntington; J Hesketh, O Cowey, L Jackson (rep A Cowey 55); L Acton (Capt), L Farnworth; F Spavin, L Ford, S wallbank (rep D Perry 55)