ONE LUMP OR TWO, ALISTAIR?

VALE 'A'  10    KENDAL 2nds  7
Bateman BMW Premier Division

The films The Alamo and Zulu were playing back to back in the clubhouse as the rain lashed down on a soggy Powder House Lane. Out on the mud flats, two sides at the wrong end of the league table produced a mini epic of their own that thoroughly entertained a large crowd.
John Wayne and Michael Caine were not required to urge on the troops, there was enough collective motivation flooding through the ranks as everyone rallied to the cause. Gavin Speak and Dave 'Chest freezer' Halliwell took to the conditions like a pair of hippos who had found the Promised Land; they wallowed, they rolled, kicked up their legs, ploughed many a furrow and when it was all over and the mud had been scraped away, their complexions would have been the envy of Max Factor.

If these two revelled in the 'Sons of Gentlemen' conditions - see the famous picture in the County Bar - others were less enamoured with the cocktail of wind and rain, although there was an unexpected burst of sunlight in the second half.

Full back Alistair Richards had skipped through the puddles, in particular during the first half, but late in the game he saw little of the action. Standing all alone, yearning for a pass or a kick to return with interest, but in reality you were more likely to have to field a greasy ball dropping out of a leaden sky or perhaps tackle a marauding forward and end up like one of those creatures of the deep that scour the bed of the ocean spitting out mud and stones; this was the number fifteen's lot.

So naturally as the clock was ticking down, Alistair's thoughts were turning towards a warm shower and dainty white china brimming with Earl Grey or Darjeeling. His request to those in the stand for some sort of beverage at the end of the game produced a response from physio Collette Austin that would not have been out of place if it had been picked up by the stump microphone in the Ashes series. 'You fancy yourself as a first team player... what a poof!' she bellowed, great copy for the next Typhoo Tea advert.

The table cloth might have been wet through, but the crockery rattled throughout a most absorbing contest, technically far better than it should have been in such conditions, and played in a tremendous spirit that was a credit to both sides.
Playing against the wind the Vale absorbed early Kendal pressure but gradually their young players discovered the art of running with the ball against opponents who found it difficult to turn on the glue pot. In the twenty sixth minute, Vale's centre Tom Bates ran hither and zither crossfield, eluding grasping hands as he slalomed his way to a try converted by Adam Armstrong. In the build up, the Vale's forwards had shunted Kendal backwards, ripping through the top surface and leaving behind them ugly brown scars that left the watching ground staff visibly shaken.

A 7-0 half time lead was well deserved by an adventurous Vale side but Kendal were always snapping at their heels and in the fifty first minute they drew level. The visitor's pack trapped the Vale close to the line, Warren Warton nipped over unseen by most of the players and the referee for his try converted by Dan Stephens.
For the remainder of the game the tempo remained high, both sides looked capable of collecting vital league points, but with sixteen minutes remaining a beatifully struck penalty goal from Adam Armstrong decided the outcome.

The final home game of 2006 had produced a healthy brew, something that you could stand your spoon up in, rather than a delicate infusion.
'More tea vicar?'
'Yes please, and I will have a crocodile sandwich, make it snappy'
Both sides did well to escape the swamps relatively unscathed.

VALE 'A'  A.Richards, J.Payne, T.Bates, T.Horrocks, G.Lumsden, A.Armstrong, J.Antcliffe (Capt), S.Foy, P.Warburton, G.Speak, R.Mudd, D.Halliwell, M.Whittaker, L.Ford, M.Shaw.
Replacements D.Birchall, A.Whittaker, J.Ferguson.