1078 BUT NO OVERTURES

VALE OF LUNE  10   WATERLOO  78
LANCASHIRE CUP: QUARTER FINAL

''M'' has a list of agents, and during the course of the season he has despatched them on a number of missions, in fine weather or foul. They have struggled to the outer reaches of the Showfield, deep into the unforgiving dark recesses under the stand, the echoing changing rooms and the evil outside toilet. They boldly went armed only with a can of Harpic and a stiff brush, but they swept all before them.
But there was an air of mystery surrounding the list? What names had been pencilled in by the letter ''O'' on the list? Who were the people who had only half a licence to thrill? Was it for their eyes only?

Step forward Thunderball and Goldfinger, code names for Winny and Gilly.
Winny, tall, a sophisticated romantic who listens to Radio 4 and drinks smooth flow beer, in addition to having a penchant for pink shirts; more a David Niven than Sean Connery, but still a man with a golden gun.
Gilly, hard nosed and rugged, not for him a medium Vodka dry Martini, with a slice of lemon peel, shaken and not stirred, but a pint, 'in a handled glass please luv.' Since Oddjob had stopped jumping out of helicopters or climbing sheer cliffs in the pitch dark clutching a box of chocolates life had become rather sedentary until ''M'' contacted him.

They made a fine team before the action started on a bright Spring Day. Winny arrived early to put the post protectors on and the touch line posts in their sockets. The boot of the silver 'Aston Martin' was open but did not contain rocket launchers or machine guns, only the paraphernalia mentioned above, still there was a touch of class about his way of doing things, pity about the blood streaming from a cut on the top of the head caused by forgetting to duck when going through the door under the stand!!

Gilly's skull, after his exploits far and wide, is cratered like the moon, so the girders under the stand present no problem, having knocked the living daylights out of them on numerous occasions. The likes of Pussy Galore and Rosa Clebb hold no fears for Gilly but when ''Q'' had explained how to raise the club flag, the appearance of Miss Moneypenny had distracted him. Net result; too much slack and eight inches short, Oh No John No!

Everything was in place for the Lancashire Cup game with Waterloo, which turned out to be pretty much as predicted. Waterloo dashed here, there and everywhere, the Vale did their level best to halt the tide but the jet packs never ran out of fuel and the script had no unexpected twists or turns.

Andy Garnett kicked a first half penalty for the Vale. The second half points came after a skittish run from Alistair Richards, his well taken try being converted by Andy Miller but the lads from Blundellsands were never in danger of having their diamonds nicked.

After the game and the changing rooms had been swept clean, G and W went through an intensive debrief.
''I think that went alright, apart from being late with the tea,'' said Winny.
''A quarter to six,'' replied Gilly.

VALE OF LUNE A.Miller, A.Richards, J.Bryan, A.Garnett (Rep M.Mudd 49), J.Curran, N.Bennetts (Capt), A.Bolsover, P.Jackson (Rep G.Barton 74), D.Schuyler, A.Cowey (Rep D.Halliwell 15), L.Farnworth, D.Perry (Rep A.Whittaker 64), D.Lin, J.Knox, M.Fowler.

Bannister Bates Man of the Match:  Malcolm 'Golden Eye' Fowler.