WHERE IS SKIPPY, WHEN YOU NEED HIM?

STOCKPORT  22  VALE OF LUNE  5
NORTH TWO WEST

They looked pensive, pale of face, but shoulders were squared and nervous laughter punctuated the air, as chairs were painstakingly arranged for a motley collection of individuals who were about to hear what fate awaited them.

Stockport's clubhouse was the venue for the Vale of Lune's first 'Kangaroo Court' of the season. Hanging Judge Mark Sutcliffe was fired up, after a splendid week at Bisborrow Magistrates where he had been sending them down quicker than a gong basher on a yes, no quiz. Clerk to the Court, the inscrutable Danny Lin, listened carefully to the charges and made sure that the punishment (medicine) matched the crime.

In the meantime, the 'Alies' huddled together for protection, like a group of cowering mice confronted by a hissing pussy, awaiting the dreaded call from the court officials. They were in no condition to glug down the concoctions that were being prepared, after having spent most of the day downing pints of Skipton's best Copper Dragon, and the fires were still burning out of control, as were the poplars behind the posts!

As the players misdemeanours were solemnly read out, the miscreants put on a brave face, after all, they knew what was coming, as they watched the bottle juggling Danny dextrously preparing some fiendish brews - gin, tequila, Baileys, and would you like beer or lager sir?
All took their doses in the right spirit, the slammers went down in one. Should there be any back draught the President had sensibly loaned a large stainless steel bucket from the bar staff. There were no mishaps, at least not publicly, in what was an old fashioned and long neglected bonding session, except of course on tour, which continued at 'Owd Nells' on the way back, where Gilly and Enty had to work hard to protect their ham and eggs.

Vale's only score came in the first half, Alistair Richards scoring a try with four minutes remaining, to level the scores. Alistair was on the field while James Bryan was having his nose straightened in the blood bin. James did return but unfortunately suffered another rearrangement of his proboscis later in the game.

This injury has come at the wrong time for the well proportioned James because he was due to be the centre fold in a new magazine for electricians called ''Shocking''. The photographer's studio session had to be cancelled which would have featured a bronzed, pouting James, draped over a medley of circuit breakers with a large flashing neon tester held at a provocative angle.

Hooker Gavin Barton galloped thirty metres from the half way line with a burst of speed that took him past a group of startled Stockport players. Alistair found himself tugged along by the slipstream, but calmly took a perfectly weighted pass to collect an unconverted try.
By the hour mark, Stockport had advanced their total to seventeen points, but they had to work hard. It was not always pretty but perfectly acceptable in the situation as the promotion chasing Bramhall side secured two important points.

A try in injury time produced a scoreline that did not reflect the Vale's efforts. Collectively it was one of the best of the season, far removed from what had been served up in some previous games. There was noticeably a balance to the side and importantly there was a visible increase in fitness levels. All these attributes will be required in the New Year when the battle for survival begins with a home game against Leigh on January 5th.

Divine intervention might be needed or some magic and witchcraft. A long standing friend who farms in Australia in an area that suffers badly from drought conditions has been forced to employ extreme measures to force the rain to fall. One ploy is to strip off, stuff feathers in every available orifice and race dementedly around the paddock - it works sometimes.
At the moment there are plenty of feathers around, the pheasant pluckers have been busy, so there is no excuse, get out on the lawn, the banks of the River Lune or the shore at Morecambe. YOUR CLUB NEEDS YOU.

Defeat at the Bridge Lane Memorial Ground did bring its disappointments but there were other tinges in the air. A former President promised to bare his backside in a County Bar window if the Vale overturned Stockport. Drat!!. Then before the Vale coach left Stockport they were treated to a tantilising glimpse of the home side's Director of Rugby, Mike Drew, clomping around in a pair of thigh high boots as he prepared for the Annual Christmas Fancy Dress Party. You lose, and you lose some!

VALE OF LUNE: A.Armstrong, J.Bryan (Rep A.Richards 30, 60) A.Garnett, C.Orrick, J.Hodder, N.Foster, O.Hughes, P.Jackson, G.Barton, A.Sutcliffe (Rep A.Cowey 60), L.Farnworth, L.Acton, D.Perry, D.Lin, M.Fowler (Capt) (Rep J.Clarkson 75)