DAWSONS PIES AND PIERCED NIPPLES

TYLDESLEY  6   VALE OF LUNE  13
NORTH TWO WEST

Dawson's Pies are famous, having not only been voted the "Number One Pies in the North West", but they are also supplied to Tyldesley Rugby Union Club. So it came as no surprise that the Major was spotted getting his laughing gear round a quality product in the Sponsor's Lounge at St Georges Park prior to kick off.

With the juices flowing, flaky pastry flying in all directions, he extolled the virtues of Mr Dawsons' labours just as a posse of Tyldesley's jovial committee arrived. "Do thee come from Wigan?" they asked the excited Chairman of the Ground Committee.
Vale of Lune had arrived early. A combination of a self imposed system of fines for players who had not arrived at the appointed time, light traffic conditions and spot on navigating by the Press Secretary, with a little help from driver Stephen, resulted in the coach being eased onto the car park shortly after one o'clock.

As the Alies beat a path to the bar they were asked by a group of "worried" Tyldesley supporters, obviouly impressed by the collective pace and physique, if they were players or the heavy mob. Such comments brought forth ribald comments and the occasional blush to the cheeks but there was no time to bask in the glory because Maurice was collecting the kitty money and organising the opening of the Sponsor's Lounge.

Prior to kick off there was plenty of small talk and pacing up and down, the upcoming game was hardly discussed because at the back of everyone's mind, friend or foe, the game represented a crossroads, as defeat would dash so many hopes.
The contest was played in a strange atmosphere, a High Noon gun fight without the big shooters. Who would blink first? Who packed the best, well oiled ironmongery? By half time little had been resolved as the score stood at six all, two penalties from Vale's Adam Armstrong and two from Tyldesley's Bryce Toohey, his second coming on the stroke of half time.

But still Pistol Packing Pete refused to come from behind the curtains, fair enough the dust flew, or at least some soggy clods of earth on a grey afternoon, but the hisses of leather, jingle jangle of spurs were all absent, the "King of Hearts was well concealed." that is until the seventy first minute.
Enty was on his third "King Teddy", Gilly roared at a ball boy for practising his soccer skills, The Major had suggested to the Chairman of Rugby that changes should be contemplated and a number of Alies were standing cross legged, hardly daring yet another trip to the toilet, when the Vale scored.

From a scrum that whirled around with all the precision of a well balanced hampster's wheel, Owen Hughes, like a demented rodent, dived between the spokes to pouch the ball. He scampered away with the prize just inside Tyldesley's twenty two before passing to Craig Orrick. Craig, he of the mahogany thighs that would not look out of place on a Riley's snooker table, swept all before him on a headlong cannoning charge that ended between the uprights, Adam added the conversion.

Despite spitting rain the Alies stood outside the clubhouse soaking up the atmosphere after what had been a contest that had been enveloped by a cloud of emotion. The players had done their best to break free, but too much was riding on the outcome of this particular game and this was reflected throughout.

Tyldesley sportingly acknowledged Vale's victory, non more so that their secretary, Howard Hughes, who because of a shortage of players, rolled back the years and packed down in the front row for another full shift at prop, part of his duties involved pinging the ball in at the lineouts. What a character!

Later in the evening the Vale's Alies were to meet another larger than life personality, metaphorically speaking, in "Owd Nells". Kendal 2nds were already ensconced but one of their company treated the Alies to the sight of his pierced nipple. Perhaps it was the vision of all this eye watering embroidery that caused the Press Secretary to send his pint skimming into the ample loins of The Major, plus an assortment of chicken bones, pieces of lettuce and serviettes.

Order was eventually restored, The Major had suffered far more for Queen and Country, and nothing was going to spoil the celebration of the first away win since February 2007, also against Tyldesley.

VALE OF LUNE: A.Armstrong, A.Richards, A.Garnett, C.Orrick, J.Hodder, N.Foster, O.Hughes, P.Jackson (Rep D.Halliwell 52), D.Schuyler (Rep G.Barton 52), A.Sutcliffe, L.Farnworth, D.Perry, R.Mudd, D.Lin, M.Fowler (Capt)